Ouch!

So today the timer goes off in my kitchen telling me that dinner is ready. Now if you are a frequent reader here you will remember that Max loves to climb on/in things. He especially loves the dishwasher, when he hears that thing open he comes a runnin', and always tries to climb inside it. Considering this behavior you can understand why I might have some concern when opening the oven as this is also a fascinating appliance to my Max.

So like I said the timer goes off and I go to retrieve the dinner, with Max close at my heels. Usually when opening the 400 degree oven I put Max in his high chair or call on dad to run interference, but I can smell that dinner is already getting a bit crispy so I strategically block the kid with my body and swiftly open the oven and extract the two baking sheets that have our dinner on them, and set them on the stove top. Then while constantly shifting my weight so as to keep him off guard I shut the oven door and feel relieved that I was able to keep my baby from climbing in my oven one more time. That is when I realized only seconds too late that I had made a horrible miscalculation in my keep baby from burning plan. You see tonight I had two pans in the oven instead of one and so I had to arrange them side by side on the stove top, and I was so busy with my tricky baby blocking oven retrieval that I didn't notice that the pans were both rather close to edge of the stove. To my horror I watched as if in slow motion as Max reached his little hand up and grabbed the edge of the hot baking sheet. Well you can imagine that my hands were only milliseconds behind and without even consulting my brain they grabbed that now screaming baby, and shoved his whole arm under the faucet that was running cold water. Then my brain started to catch up, my thought process was something like this...

Baby screaming...
baby hurt...
life threatening?...
no.
Ok mommy freak out mode lessening slightly...
Permanent damage?...
ER trip warranted?...
Inspect...
No. Big sigh of relief.
Baby still screaming...
Baby still hurt (and mad because now his arm and sleeve are soaked)...
Pan too close to the edge...
MY FAULT!

And then it sets in like a train wreck, the mommy guilt. Oh I feel so bad for my little guy. Seriously how could I let this happen? Shane comes to see what all of the hollering is about. He helps me comfort Max and comforts me a bit too. Showing me that Max's hand is fine. And really he is fine, although seriously upset.

Later I started to think about it. I felt so bad. I thought about another time I had a scare with Mason when he was a little bit older than Max is now. Its actually a pretty funny story that starts with me going to my doctor's office, and ends with me hurriedly wiping ultrasound gel off my pregnant belly while the nurse calls poison control. Everything turned out fine, but that night feeling completely wretched about it I relayed the story to friends. One of them told me something her mother told her about taking care of her six children when they were all very young. She said that when her kids were all small she just tried to make it through the day the best she could, and any day that ended without having to call poison control was a good day. It was funny and it made me feel better.

And tonight as my boys slept safe and cared for in their beds, I thought that poison control, and ER days do happen, and they are miserable, but most days in my kids' lives are not those days. How many good days, great days do we not give ourselves credit for. Seriously we read stories, we go to the zoo, we teach them to share, and to the very best of our ability we keep them safe. Really I think we're doing pretty good, and I think women out there need to band together and give mommy guilt a run for its money. Today lets give ourselves a break, because nobody's perfect, and give ourselves some credit for the good days.

The End Goal is Worth the Run

That is what the inscription on the back of my ipod says, the one that my husband gave me last year on mother's day. So yesterday as I was puffing along on my treadmill, I started to think what is my end goal? Seriously why am I doing this? My legs hurt, I'm all sweaty, why? Is it so that I can be Shelah? Maybe (I mean who wouldn't want to like Shelah). Is it to make all the money I've spent on shoes and treadmill and Itunes, feel justified? Probably. Is it for bragging rights when I get to the top of that hill? I sure hope so. Is it to be able to say that I did it because I said I would? For sure.

I've never been the athletic type, ever... I've always believed that to be true, always... So what does that mean now as I'm training to run a 178 mile relay race? It means that someone has been lying to me, and I think that it might have been me. I've learned a valuable lesson and its funny, and a little sad that I didn't learn it until almost my third decade in life. I learned that everything, even marathons start (and end) with one step at a time, and that whatever we believe to be true about ourselves probably will be.

I've also learned that sometimes its good to do something that's hard, so that we can learn and grow strong enough to do that hard thing. So if my fairy godmother breezed in tomorrow and told me she would give me a runner's body in exchange for a pumpkin or a mouse, would I take it? I would probably be tempted, but would it be good for me? Probably not. So every morning when I'm begging my legs to just give me just one more step... one more lap... one more mile, and thinking why? WHY!? I have to remember that the end goal IS worth the run because feeling the worth of the run in every step on the way to the finish line is the end goal.

Time marches on...

For sale. Baby bottles. Tenaciously used.

Today I Rollerbladed in the House

You know your mom always told you to take those things off when you came in the house. Today Mason unearthed my roller blades, a tool of my youth and asked me to show him how to use them, I promised him as soon as the snow melts,but he was not cool with that. So I put them on and did a few laps around the kitchen table... it was great, and my kid thought I was the coolest person alive for a solid two hours after that.

Ok Here's the New Plan

Ok I changed my mind. I'm not giving up my blog. I was going completely private because of reasons stated in my last post, I didn't want to, but I felt like I should for my kids and then well Bree made her big announcement, and I was so thrilled for her. For those of you that don't know my friend Bree go check her out, and today is her birthday so don't forget to wish her happy birthday. She is one of the coolest people I know and she just sold her first book. I am so proud of her, she is a gifted writer and she has worked so hard to realize her dream. It was Bree's new upgraded writer status that made me rethink this whole issue. I've had to think alot about why I started blogging in the first place. I started my blog for the following reasons.

1. I had my first baby, and he prevented me from ever leaving the house or socializing with adults, and I was lonely. Blogging gave me a window to the outside world, I made new friends and learned new things.

2. While I loved motherhood I missed the "old me" you know the one that had interesting witty, things to say and was respected by colleagues and friends. Somehow getting peed on in the middle of the night may make you feel needed, but doesn't make you feel respected.

3. I was finding a "new me" and I wanted to document it. Motherhood was new, and exciting, and terrifying all at the same time and I wanted to remember it all.

4. I love to write. I always have. I find it highly therapeutic for me, which is a bonus, and have always had a dream that I would be an author, you know a real live person who writes books AND gets paid for it. I even started a few, but I never ever told anyone about my dream, because well I was afraid of the incredulous looks that I would get. So my blog filled a huge need for me. I loved that I had a readership of people that I didn't even know who wanted to read what I had to say. In a word it was thrilling.

Then my blog started to change. There were many factors that contributed to this, but probably the biggest one was that I told people in my real non-internet life about my blog. Now this was a brave thing to do as this was before everyone and their uncle had a blog. I got a few incredulous looks, and a few snide comments about not having enough to do, but for the most part people were nice and largely uninterested. My mom was so excited though and I think became my number one reader. Living several hours away from her adorable grandchildren is hard on her and having internet access to them was great. But then my writing changed, I started posting less of what I thought and more pictures of the kids. I worried what people would think if they found out how opinionated and quirky I really am. I held back a bit more, on some issues I wrote with more constraint. Mostly though I wrote about the kids, because, well, they are my life. I wrote alot about the kids, and people that I knew started asking me why I always used code names for the kids because it was confusing, so I started using their real names.

And then the next biggest obstacle to my blogging happened: Max learned to walk, and oh my...that kid became a force of nature as wild and fiery as his red hair. In minutes that kid can single-handedly tear my house apart and has almost killed my blogging career. I mean I cannot in good conscience sit quietly writing posts while my one and a half year old is trying to start his base jumping career using the back of my couch. He is sunshine and lighting all rolled into one chubby little package, I love him so much, and some days I still can't believe how tired he makes me.

And then I started to worry that I should afford my children some more privacy. I didn't want to go private, but I started to feel a twinge of worry each time I posted a picture of them or a cute story about them. Its not that I think there is someone devious out there stalking my blog, although there could be and I wouldn't know it, its just that I want to know more surely who exactly has access to my children. Now I know that everyone feels differently on this issue, and that is just fine, but for me it was a concern and that greatly affected my writing. So I decided to just give up and admit that my blog had become a grandma blog and go private, but it did make me a little sad.

Then I heard word that Bree was going to publish and I felt so happy for her, and envious that she was now validated as a writer, and I realized that I'm just not ready to give up my writer's blog. I have willingly given just about every piece of my heart and soul to my children and I think that its ok if I keep this bit of me, my writing, to myself. So here is the deal: if you are interested in hearing about the day to day kid stuff, with pictures, and an ooey gooey mommy gushing on and on about her children visit my new blog, created just for Grammy and other people in my life who care about me and my family, and want to know about Max's first words and what Mason learned in preschool that day. And of course, it will be private to make me feel better.

As for Nic's Notes it will be staying public and I don't know what I will write about here yet, probably there will still be kid stories, but maybe there will be other stuff too. I cannot promise to post very often, but I am going to be honest and say that that's ok with me. I'm going to be selfish and write just for me, and if you aren't too put off by that you are welcome to sit back and enjoy it too.

Its time for a change

Ok lately I've had this nagging feeling that I should go private. I mean when I initially created this thing it was to be a writer's blog, but since I started telling people in my real life about it, it seems that all I write about is my kids, which is great, but honestly I have no problem telling the random internet world about my thoughts on numerous issues, but I do have issues with telling the random internet world the sweet details about my children's lives. I go back and forth on this issue, but lately it has really bothered me that just anyone can peek into my kids lives. I hardly ever post anyway so really I don't know that the random internet world will miss me, but those of you that will miss me please leave me a comment to let me know that you'd still like to see my blog. If I don't have it please leave your email address so that I can grant you access, I'll turn on comment moderation so that no one's email addresses are made public.

I'm a little sad to change and I hope to come back someday committed to making that writer's blog. Maybe when I have more time for writing, so uh about the time Max leaves for college.