Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Ok Here's the New Plan

Ok I changed my mind. I'm not giving up my blog. I was going completely private because of reasons stated in my last post, I didn't want to, but I felt like I should for my kids and then well Bree made her big announcement, and I was so thrilled for her. For those of you that don't know my friend Bree go check her out, and today is her birthday so don't forget to wish her happy birthday. She is one of the coolest people I know and she just sold her first book. I am so proud of her, she is a gifted writer and she has worked so hard to realize her dream. It was Bree's new upgraded writer status that made me rethink this whole issue. I've had to think alot about why I started blogging in the first place. I started my blog for the following reasons.

1. I had my first baby, and he prevented me from ever leaving the house or socializing with adults, and I was lonely. Blogging gave me a window to the outside world, I made new friends and learned new things.

2. While I loved motherhood I missed the "old me" you know the one that had interesting witty, things to say and was respected by colleagues and friends. Somehow getting peed on in the middle of the night may make you feel needed, but doesn't make you feel respected.

3. I was finding a "new me" and I wanted to document it. Motherhood was new, and exciting, and terrifying all at the same time and I wanted to remember it all.

4. I love to write. I always have. I find it highly therapeutic for me, which is a bonus, and have always had a dream that I would be an author, you know a real live person who writes books AND gets paid for it. I even started a few, but I never ever told anyone about my dream, because well I was afraid of the incredulous looks that I would get. So my blog filled a huge need for me. I loved that I had a readership of people that I didn't even know who wanted to read what I had to say. In a word it was thrilling.

Then my blog started to change. There were many factors that contributed to this, but probably the biggest one was that I told people in my real non-internet life about my blog. Now this was a brave thing to do as this was before everyone and their uncle had a blog. I got a few incredulous looks, and a few snide comments about not having enough to do, but for the most part people were nice and largely uninterested. My mom was so excited though and I think became my number one reader. Living several hours away from her adorable grandchildren is hard on her and having internet access to them was great. But then my writing changed, I started posting less of what I thought and more pictures of the kids. I worried what people would think if they found out how opinionated and quirky I really am. I held back a bit more, on some issues I wrote with more constraint. Mostly though I wrote about the kids, because, well, they are my life. I wrote alot about the kids, and people that I knew started asking me why I always used code names for the kids because it was confusing, so I started using their real names.

And then the next biggest obstacle to my blogging happened: Max learned to walk, and oh my...that kid became a force of nature as wild and fiery as his red hair. In minutes that kid can single-handedly tear my house apart and has almost killed my blogging career. I mean I cannot in good conscience sit quietly writing posts while my one and a half year old is trying to start his base jumping career using the back of my couch. He is sunshine and lighting all rolled into one chubby little package, I love him so much, and some days I still can't believe how tired he makes me.

And then I started to worry that I should afford my children some more privacy. I didn't want to go private, but I started to feel a twinge of worry each time I posted a picture of them or a cute story about them. Its not that I think there is someone devious out there stalking my blog, although there could be and I wouldn't know it, its just that I want to know more surely who exactly has access to my children. Now I know that everyone feels differently on this issue, and that is just fine, but for me it was a concern and that greatly affected my writing. So I decided to just give up and admit that my blog had become a grandma blog and go private, but it did make me a little sad.

Then I heard word that Bree was going to publish and I felt so happy for her, and envious that she was now validated as a writer, and I realized that I'm just not ready to give up my writer's blog. I have willingly given just about every piece of my heart and soul to my children and I think that its ok if I keep this bit of me, my writing, to myself. So here is the deal: if you are interested in hearing about the day to day kid stuff, with pictures, and an ooey gooey mommy gushing on and on about her children visit my new blog, created just for Grammy and other people in my life who care about me and my family, and want to know about Max's first words and what Mason learned in preschool that day. And of course, it will be private to make me feel better.

As for Nic's Notes it will be staying public and I don't know what I will write about here yet, probably there will still be kid stories, but maybe there will be other stuff too. I cannot promise to post very often, but I am going to be honest and say that that's ok with me. I'm going to be selfish and write just for me, and if you aren't too put off by that you are welcome to sit back and enjoy it too.


Bree Biesinger Despain said...

Yay! I am so thrilled that you are keeping your blog. I was so sad when you said in your last post that you no longer had time to write. Basically, no one has time to write. You have to MAKE time for it--or whatever else it is that makes you who you are. You give and give to people all day long, so I am so happy that have decided to keep something for yourself.

I look forward to reading what you have to say. And I do wish you would post more often :) But I understand--kids ARE crazy.

BTW, Thanks for the shout out!

Anonymous said...

wahoo!!! I can't wait to see what you write!! My blog started out as a way for me to be more adult (among all my toddlers). And now it is more of a journal/kid pics, but I'm coming back to what I started in the first place and someday I'll get there LOL

Jen said...

Hey Nicole! I want to be invited! How are you these days?

beth - total mom haircut said...

Ok, as I read this I was thinking the whole time " she needs to have two blogs - one private for family and one for her..." so I suppose I feel validated knowing that that's what you did:)

Most importantly, I'm glad you're not shutting down!