Wednesday, April 18, 2007

The Long Absence

So I know that I haven't been a good blogger for quite some time now. I have know one to blame, but myself, but well I just haven't felt quite up to it.

Fist there was this:

And that then there was two months of puking and feeling like a zombie, where I just didn't feel like doing anything.

And then The puking went away, but I still didn't feel like doing anything. And I mean NOTHING. The laundry was piling up, and I didn't care, I was even too apathetic to argue with SHane about what we should name the new bundle of joy. As far as I was concerned it didn't even feel like a bundle of joy. It was a strange feeling, and after a few weeks I started to worry that there was something wrong. I talked to my doctor, she thought the hormones were making me a little depressed, she prescribed drugs. I was scared of the drugs, not for me, but for the baby, what if they weren't good for this little one growing inside of me. I fretted about it all day. Then I prayed about it. That morning I woke up at four a.m. I couldn't sleep so I set up on the couch and flipped on the T.V. The discovery channel had some show about adoption on, this poor family had to wait four months to get there adopted baby from India. It was touching. Then I watched two episodes of A Baby Story. I felt happy for the happy families that were having babies, but I thought to myself 'they don't know what I know about childbirth. THey don't know that something can go wrong.' If you want the back story go here. That's when it hit me. That's why I was apathetic, that's why I didn't want to get to excited, this pregnancy was scaring me to death, and I didn't even know it. Deep down in the recesses of my brain, I was protecting myself by not getting to attached to this pregnancy. And then a new softly spoken little thought entered my head it said 'Nicole, what went so wrong?' And I thought of my little two year old bugaboo up in his little bed, sleeping. Yes he came two months early, and yes it was scary, but we did it, he's ok, he's a miracle.

It was like a magic pill...way better than the stuff my doctor prescribed. Realizing I had some major trauma and fear lingering in my past, helped me to face it, and when I faced it I saw that it really wasn't so scary. I can handle this, and I am so excited for this baby now.

I have felt tons better this last week or so, and I even have the laundry almost caught up. I can't promise I'll be a better blogger, I'm doing it on my own schedule, but I hope I'll be able to write more often...ok I'll at least post when the baby gets here.

And just for fun here is Bugaboo sleeping, isn't that the sweetest thing you've eva seen?


Tammy said...

Oh wow...I'm so glad I just "happened" to randomly click on your site which was filed away on my list.
First of all, congratulations on your new little one on the way!
And secondly, I can relate to so much of what you've been going through. I had a traumatic time when my oldest was born. So much so, that I would cry just thinking about it a whole year later. I had postpartum depression and was unable to truly enjoy the whole "becoming a mom" experience as I had hoped.
When I was expecting my youngest, I had to go on meds and felt the same way. I was so concerned about the baby.
I just happened to mention all this in a post tribute to my youngest on her 5th birthday. It's the post below my current one (dated 4-18).
Blessings to you!

Snigger Fam said...

That was such a cool post. Thanks for sharing it. I hope the rest of the pregnancy goes great!

surcie said...

Congratulations and many wishes for a healthy, happy pregnancy!!!!

beth said...

Congratulations! And hey, I hear ya. I've been the worst blogger since becoming pregnant. It happens. We just need to get by.

Lei said...

Oh, but you have tot ake us through all of this with you Nicole!!!

Glad to see you back... :)

Morning Glory said...

Oh Nicole, congratulations on the new baby coming. That's exciting!

emlouisa said...

Wow. I totally know that feeling. I was freaked out the entire pregnancy with my 2nd. I was shocked when I went full term and shocked that he didn't have to go the NICU. It was a good shock.

(((hugs))) I hope you are doing well!