Ouch!

So today the timer goes off in my kitchen telling me that dinner is ready. Now if you are a frequent reader here you will remember that Max loves to climb on/in things. He especially loves the dishwasher, when he hears that thing open he comes a runnin', and always tries to climb inside it. Considering this behavior you can understand why I might have some concern when opening the oven as this is also a fascinating appliance to my Max.

So like I said the timer goes off and I go to retrieve the dinner, with Max close at my heels. Usually when opening the 400 degree oven I put Max in his high chair or call on dad to run interference, but I can smell that dinner is already getting a bit crispy so I strategically block the kid with my body and swiftly open the oven and extract the two baking sheets that have our dinner on them, and set them on the stove top. Then while constantly shifting my weight so as to keep him off guard I shut the oven door and feel relieved that I was able to keep my baby from climbing in my oven one more time. That is when I realized only seconds too late that I had made a horrible miscalculation in my keep baby from burning plan. You see tonight I had two pans in the oven instead of one and so I had to arrange them side by side on the stove top, and I was so busy with my tricky baby blocking oven retrieval that I didn't notice that the pans were both rather close to edge of the stove. To my horror I watched as if in slow motion as Max reached his little hand up and grabbed the edge of the hot baking sheet. Well you can imagine that my hands were only milliseconds behind and without even consulting my brain they grabbed that now screaming baby, and shoved his whole arm under the faucet that was running cold water. Then my brain started to catch up, my thought process was something like this...

Baby screaming...
baby hurt...
life threatening?...
no.
Ok mommy freak out mode lessening slightly...
Permanent damage?...
ER trip warranted?...
Inspect...
No. Big sigh of relief.
Baby still screaming...
Baby still hurt (and mad because now his arm and sleeve are soaked)...
Pan too close to the edge...
MY FAULT!

And then it sets in like a train wreck, the mommy guilt. Oh I feel so bad for my little guy. Seriously how could I let this happen? Shane comes to see what all of the hollering is about. He helps me comfort Max and comforts me a bit too. Showing me that Max's hand is fine. And really he is fine, although seriously upset.

Later I started to think about it. I felt so bad. I thought about another time I had a scare with Mason when he was a little bit older than Max is now. Its actually a pretty funny story that starts with me going to my doctor's office, and ends with me hurriedly wiping ultrasound gel off my pregnant belly while the nurse calls poison control. Everything turned out fine, but that night feeling completely wretched about it I relayed the story to friends. One of them told me something her mother told her about taking care of her six children when they were all very young. She said that when her kids were all small she just tried to make it through the day the best she could, and any day that ended without having to call poison control was a good day. It was funny and it made me feel better.

And tonight as my boys slept safe and cared for in their beds, I thought that poison control, and ER days do happen, and they are miserable, but most days in my kids' lives are not those days. How many good days, great days do we not give ourselves credit for. Seriously we read stories, we go to the zoo, we teach them to share, and to the very best of our ability we keep them safe. Really I think we're doing pretty good, and I think women out there need to band together and give mommy guilt a run for its money. Today lets give ourselves a break, because nobody's perfect, and give ourselves some credit for the good days.

The End Goal is Worth the Run

That is what the inscription on the back of my ipod says, the one that my husband gave me last year on mother's day. So yesterday as I was puffing along on my treadmill, I started to think what is my end goal? Seriously why am I doing this? My legs hurt, I'm all sweaty, why? Is it so that I can be Shelah? Maybe (I mean who wouldn't want to like Shelah). Is it to make all the money I've spent on shoes and treadmill and Itunes, feel justified? Probably. Is it for bragging rights when I get to the top of that hill? I sure hope so. Is it to be able to say that I did it because I said I would? For sure.

I've never been the athletic type, ever... I've always believed that to be true, always... So what does that mean now as I'm training to run a 178 mile relay race? It means that someone has been lying to me, and I think that it might have been me. I've learned a valuable lesson and its funny, and a little sad that I didn't learn it until almost my third decade in life. I learned that everything, even marathons start (and end) with one step at a time, and that whatever we believe to be true about ourselves probably will be.

I've also learned that sometimes its good to do something that's hard, so that we can learn and grow strong enough to do that hard thing. So if my fairy godmother breezed in tomorrow and told me she would give me a runner's body in exchange for a pumpkin or a mouse, would I take it? I would probably be tempted, but would it be good for me? Probably not. So every morning when I'm begging my legs to just give me just one more step... one more lap... one more mile, and thinking why? WHY!? I have to remember that the end goal IS worth the run because feeling the worth of the run in every step on the way to the finish line is the end goal.

Time marches on...

For sale. Baby bottles. Tenaciously used.

Today I Rollerbladed in the House

You know your mom always told you to take those things off when you came in the house. Today Mason unearthed my roller blades, a tool of my youth and asked me to show him how to use them, I promised him as soon as the snow melts,but he was not cool with that. So I put them on and did a few laps around the kitchen table... it was great, and my kid thought I was the coolest person alive for a solid two hours after that.

Ok Here's the New Plan

Ok I changed my mind. I'm not giving up my blog. I was going completely private because of reasons stated in my last post, I didn't want to, but I felt like I should for my kids and then well Bree made her big announcement, and I was so thrilled for her. For those of you that don't know my friend Bree go check her out, and today is her birthday so don't forget to wish her happy birthday. She is one of the coolest people I know and she just sold her first book. I am so proud of her, she is a gifted writer and she has worked so hard to realize her dream. It was Bree's new upgraded writer status that made me rethink this whole issue. I've had to think alot about why I started blogging in the first place. I started my blog for the following reasons.

1. I had my first baby, and he prevented me from ever leaving the house or socializing with adults, and I was lonely. Blogging gave me a window to the outside world, I made new friends and learned new things.

2. While I loved motherhood I missed the "old me" you know the one that had interesting witty, things to say and was respected by colleagues and friends. Somehow getting peed on in the middle of the night may make you feel needed, but doesn't make you feel respected.

3. I was finding a "new me" and I wanted to document it. Motherhood was new, and exciting, and terrifying all at the same time and I wanted to remember it all.

4. I love to write. I always have. I find it highly therapeutic for me, which is a bonus, and have always had a dream that I would be an author, you know a real live person who writes books AND gets paid for it. I even started a few, but I never ever told anyone about my dream, because well I was afraid of the incredulous looks that I would get. So my blog filled a huge need for me. I loved that I had a readership of people that I didn't even know who wanted to read what I had to say. In a word it was thrilling.

Then my blog started to change. There were many factors that contributed to this, but probably the biggest one was that I told people in my real non-internet life about my blog. Now this was a brave thing to do as this was before everyone and their uncle had a blog. I got a few incredulous looks, and a few snide comments about not having enough to do, but for the most part people were nice and largely uninterested. My mom was so excited though and I think became my number one reader. Living several hours away from her adorable grandchildren is hard on her and having internet access to them was great. But then my writing changed, I started posting less of what I thought and more pictures of the kids. I worried what people would think if they found out how opinionated and quirky I really am. I held back a bit more, on some issues I wrote with more constraint. Mostly though I wrote about the kids, because, well, they are my life. I wrote alot about the kids, and people that I knew started asking me why I always used code names for the kids because it was confusing, so I started using their real names.

And then the next biggest obstacle to my blogging happened: Max learned to walk, and oh my...that kid became a force of nature as wild and fiery as his red hair. In minutes that kid can single-handedly tear my house apart and has almost killed my blogging career. I mean I cannot in good conscience sit quietly writing posts while my one and a half year old is trying to start his base jumping career using the back of my couch. He is sunshine and lighting all rolled into one chubby little package, I love him so much, and some days I still can't believe how tired he makes me.

And then I started to worry that I should afford my children some more privacy. I didn't want to go private, but I started to feel a twinge of worry each time I posted a picture of them or a cute story about them. Its not that I think there is someone devious out there stalking my blog, although there could be and I wouldn't know it, its just that I want to know more surely who exactly has access to my children. Now I know that everyone feels differently on this issue, and that is just fine, but for me it was a concern and that greatly affected my writing. So I decided to just give up and admit that my blog had become a grandma blog and go private, but it did make me a little sad.

Then I heard word that Bree was going to publish and I felt so happy for her, and envious that she was now validated as a writer, and I realized that I'm just not ready to give up my writer's blog. I have willingly given just about every piece of my heart and soul to my children and I think that its ok if I keep this bit of me, my writing, to myself. So here is the deal: if you are interested in hearing about the day to day kid stuff, with pictures, and an ooey gooey mommy gushing on and on about her children visit my new blog, created just for Grammy and other people in my life who care about me and my family, and want to know about Max's first words and what Mason learned in preschool that day. And of course, it will be private to make me feel better.

As for Nic's Notes it will be staying public and I don't know what I will write about here yet, probably there will still be kid stories, but maybe there will be other stuff too. I cannot promise to post very often, but I am going to be honest and say that that's ok with me. I'm going to be selfish and write just for me, and if you aren't too put off by that you are welcome to sit back and enjoy it too.

Its time for a change

Ok lately I've had this nagging feeling that I should go private. I mean when I initially created this thing it was to be a writer's blog, but since I started telling people in my real life about it, it seems that all I write about is my kids, which is great, but honestly I have no problem telling the random internet world about my thoughts on numerous issues, but I do have issues with telling the random internet world the sweet details about my children's lives. I go back and forth on this issue, but lately it has really bothered me that just anyone can peek into my kids lives. I hardly ever post anyway so really I don't know that the random internet world will miss me, but those of you that will miss me please leave me a comment to let me know that you'd still like to see my blog. If I don't have it please leave your email address so that I can grant you access, I'll turn on comment moderation so that no one's email addresses are made public.

I'm a little sad to change and I hope to come back someday committed to making that writer's blog. Maybe when I have more time for writing, so uh about the time Max leaves for college.

More Mason Quotes

Today as I am working on my computer Mason sidles up to me and looks at my screen which happens to be open to my itunes, and this image

Mason patiently asks, "Why is she putting a hat on?"
I say, "I don't know."
Mason says, "Maybe she wants to be like Bob the Builder?"
I had a good laugh, because I am sure that is exactly what Brit intended to portray with that picture.

If you are feeling like you need a pick me up today find a three and a half year old and have a conversation with them, it always cheers me up.

Dumbo

I love Sundays at our house. We declare it family day, we go to church and recharge our spiritual batteries, we come home, and have lunch, and then Max who is exhausted from running laps around the chapel and eating all the other kids snacks zonks out for a good two to three hour nap. That's when Shane and I calmly discuss who got the Sunday nap last week and therefore should get to hang out with Mason so the other partner can have a nap. Sunday naps are a most coveted item in the Notes household, and although we try to be civil this conversation usually ends with a wrestling match to see who can get to the bed first. Mason thinks its hilarious and knows that really he's the winner, because he doesn't have to take a nap at all.

So last weekend I lost, so while Shane took a nap Mason and I picked a movie from our extensive Disney collection. This Sunday's pick: Dumbo. Mason had never seen it before and I thought how lovely and wholesome, I forgot how sensitive my little one is... All was fine and good until the kids started making fun of Dumbo's ears. "Why are they doing that Mommy?" and then the horror when they pulled Dumbo away from his mom. My son was in anguish, "what are they doing to his mom?" and then almost pleading, "He needs his mommy!" I could see the therapy bills piling up and I asked Mason if he wanted to turn it off. "No" he said unable to tear his eyes away from the screen, "just stay here and watch it with me." "Ok, bud, I promise it will turn out ok." I put my arm around him and he snuggled in closer. So we watched together and I reassured Mason over and over again that it would all work out and I thought back to my own childhood and tried to remember how I perceived Dumbo's predicament when I saw it for the first time. Perhaps it was because I was so busy reminiscing about my own childhood that I was so unprepared for what happened next. The little mouse takes Dumbo to see his mother and from where she is chained to the wall she can't even see him she can only reach her trunk out, catch up her perfect little baby, and rock him, and yes I know you can all hear it too... "Baby mine don't you cry..." And all of a sudden I am BAWLING! Seriously an uncontainable blubberfest, and I realize that this is the first time I have seen Dumbo through a mother's eyes. This is something I was completely unprepared for, the intense empathy I can feel for Mrs. Jumbo. I was a rock before I had kids, I even remember pointing a mocking finger at my own mother who cried during Hallmark commercials. Now a cartoon elephant makes me cry. Now you can blame the increased emotionality on hormones, or age, or whatever you want, but I think that I know the truth, its a deep dark secret that no one tells you before you have kids. Its not that they don't want you to know, its not that they don't want to explain it to you, its just that there are no words that can truly describe the intensity of feeling so you wouldn't believe them anyway. I realized the truth of the secret the first time I held my tiny one his little lungs unable to work on their own, knowing that I would do anything to make him better, to take away the hurt, and also knowing that I couldn't. I couldn't fix it or make it go away, I could just hold him and rock and sing and comfort. That's when I learned the secret: that mother's are truly the strongest creatures on Earth, and also the most vulnerable because mother's have the most to lose, because holding my babies, and sheltering them from (albeit Disney induced) fear I know that I have in my arms the greatest gift to humankind, my child. Many writers have tried to describe love, but my feeling for my children is more intense, and more powerful, its not emotional, its biological, its hardwired into my soul. And if I ever were to lose...well let's not go there, its too awful, but that my friends is why Dumbo makes me cry. So the next time that sappy "Baby Mine" song comes on the old lady radio station, and your mom tears up, don't laugh or point, because now you know that you made her that way, because loving you has made her feel more deeply than any human should have to, and because although you may be grown she can still see in her mind the time when you resembled that little elephant and she lovingly rocked and sang and comforted.

At our house that time is present, and maybe that's another reason I have such tender feelings for that little Dumbo...

I think there's a bit of a resemblance.

Halloween

I love Halloween, oh it is so fun. I'm not really a crafty mama, but I love to make my kid's Halloween costumes. I think I like doing it so much because my mom always made ours growing up, so in my head somewhere its written that Halloween costumes must be homemade, anyway this year the costume making became a major event. Really I thought it would be no big deal, Mason saw a picture of something he thought was so cool he just had to be...and then I thought of the perfect costume to go with it for Max, you know like a theme and then well there were two other parts to the theme to make it complete so soon Shane and I needed costumes too. Really I thought I would work on it a few evening and then we would have these adorable costumes for Halloween. I started making them the first weekend in October, and finished them...um the Wednesday before Halloween. After weeks and weeks of our house being covered in fabric scraps, hot glue bits, and ribbon the finished products finally emerged. I admit it was a much bigger project than I anticipated, but oh my...the cuteness...

We have walking

Oh my! So Saturday I noticed Baby Bug standing once or twice all on his own. Now this is rather significant in and of itself mostly because this child doesn't ever stop moving. So finding the time to stand still enough to balance on only two legs is big for him. So I decided to encourage him by helping him practice standing throughout the day...By evening this was the result.

This kid never ceases to amaze me. He is so full of energy. He is still completely wobbly, too wobbly I think to be walking on his own, any other kids would spend several more weeks holding onto fingers and being walked around, but not this kid, he doesn't care he simply cannot be bothered with the fact that he doesn't know how to walk, he has too much to do and see, so he just goes and muscles his way through, and when he falls down it doesn't even phase him he just keeps on crawling. His determination just really makes me smile.

Give me the spoon already

Baby bug has found new independence as of late. It actually really cracks me up to see his little determined personality growing.

This picture may look innocent enough, but if you will notice how tightly he is gripping the utensil in his hand you will see that there is no way that he plans to eat anything unless it is done properly. Baby bug now insists that all meals be eaten with a fork or spoon, unfortunately for me Baby Bug also insists that he feed himself, and even more unfortunately for me he has a hard time getting the food on his utensil of choice. So each meal consists of Baby Bug screaming until I finally give him the spoon and then said screaming continuing until I place a portion of food on that spoon for him. Also should the food fall off before the food makes rendezvous with the previously screaming mouth screaming will immediately resume.

Its so funny to see how very determined he is, and how his volume abruptly increases when things start to go south.

Little Man quote of the day

So this weekend we went on a little day trip to the mountains. It was quite fun, and I think I heard one of my favorite Little Man quotes that must be written down.

Sometime during the day (after about five Capri Sun's) Little Man tromped off into the bushes with Shane to take care of some business. He returned a few minute later hopping excitedly into camp the look on his face was that of pure elation and he exclaimed with pride and gusto, "Mom! I stood on a stump, and PEED on a bush!"

It really is appreciating the little things in life that truly brings us happiness isn't it...

Conversation had at my house today

Today Little Man happened on a small pile of change.

Little Man: (examining a quarter) This one has a man on it.

Me: uh-huh

Little Man: (looking at a penny) This one has a trolley.

Me: yeah it does look like a trolley doesn't it?

Little Man: What's this one?

Me: A nickel

Little Man: It has an angry station on it.

Me: An angry station?

Little Man: Yeah.

Me: Why is it angry?

Little Man: (In a don't you know voice) Because it has too many doors.

Me: Too many doors?

Little Man: Uh yeah mom.

"Awww!"

Come on say it with me. Is he not the most adorable thing you have ever seen, and with two new teeth too.

The toys are talking

I know, I know you've all been missing me right? Aw how my life keeps on keeping from documenting said life appropriately. What can ya do?

Anyway I have lots of catching up to do. One thing that I've been wanting to write down is this little story of sweetness. Recently Little Man has developed a new skill: pretending. All of the sudden all of the toys in our house have all kinds of things to say. Bears and guys, and trucks and cars that have been waiting for more than three years are finally able to express themselves. Oh and they have so much to say and do, it is so cute. A few weeks ago I was tempted to get mad when I came upon this scene.

Seeing as how we had only moments before made the bed I felt somewhat justified. But upon further inspection I found that this was no ordinary mess, this was necessary, because Little Man had decided while I was putting Baby Bug down for a nap that Elmo also needed a nap. He also needed a story, Little Man's favorite puppy, and a kiss goodnight.


Seriously, how precious is that?

He is growing so much all the time. I can't believe how independent he is becoming.
Although thankfully he still needs his mommy sometimes.

And yes that's him putting his coat on albeit upside down in the middle of May. Summer was a long time coming to Idaho.

The Grand Canyon Really is Grand

Ok so in my last post I told you all about how Shane and I had just gotten back from the most wonderful weekend away. For three whole days, we went places without having to take along a diaper bag filled with extra outfits and snacks and wipes and various other necessities. We spent an hour by the pool and not a single whiney voice was heard. We ate at nice restaurants and didn't have to worry about irritating the couple next to us. We stayed up late and we slept in the next morning. We had a great time, but I think that the thing I enjoyed the most about our vacation was the time that we had to talk to each other. We talked and talked and talked. We learned new things about each other. We remembered things about each other that we really liked.

By far our favorite day was Sunday. We decided that we would need to get out of sin city for Sunday so we rented a car not just any car mind you, but a shiny black Corvette and drove to the Grand Canyon. Now Shane had never been to the Grand Canyon and I had only been there once as a child, so we really saw it with fresh eyes, and it was well, grand. It took our breath away and we were truly grateful to witness such a miracle.

We spent the entire day just cruising around without an agenda. It was so wonderful. I'm really grateful for my huband who works hard for our family and knows how to appreciate the good things in life. It was so enjoyable to spend the weekend with the man I love and really isn't he so handsome!

Weekend Report

So Shane and I just got home from a weekend in Vegas sans children. This was about the closest I got to doing any gambling while we were there, but it was the most FABULOUS weekend.

Little Man asked me...

So lately little man has been a little insecure about things, and maybe just a tad bit more clingy. I think its just a phase, so I have just tried to continually reassure him. Anyway recently I was explaining to him how I was going to leave him with a sitter (that he knows and loves) and he started to get a little nervous, and wanted to make sure that he would be taken care of and more importantly that I would come back. I pulled him up on my lap and told him that I was his mom and my most important job in the whole wide world was to take care of him and Baby Bug and that I would always make sure that there was someone to take good care of him if I had to go somewhere and that even if I did go somewhere I would always come back because there is no where in the whole world that I would rather be than with him and Baby Bug. He still seemed a little nervous so I tried to really drive my point home I said, "Heavenly Father chose me to be your mom, and that means that its my most important job to take care of you, and I will always be your mom and I will always take care of you." ('Even when you don't want me to' I thought to myself'). Little Man looked at me thoughtfully and said, "Mom who's Heavenly Father?"

"Uhhh..."

Now we talk about religious things openly and quite frequently in our house, and we offer prayers with Little Man's help all the time, and we talk about our Heavenly Father and Jesus regularly, but I suppose I have never explained everything out like I should. It seems like a major oversight now, but I suppose I just took it for granted that everyone even my three year old knows who God is. So I answered him the very best I could, but what struck me was not the answer I gave, but the rather the question itself. How do you explain God to someone so small, and innocent and whose understanding is so concrete. How do you introduce God to someone. The final answer I settled on was so simple, but Little Man was completely happy with it. Heavenly Father is someone who is in charge of the whole world, and He loves us more than anyone else, and because He loves us He watches out for us all the time, and takes care of us all the time, and one of the ways that He takes care of us is by giving us families. It was a reaffirming moment for me. I am so grateful for the raw innocence of my children, they are one of my greatest gifts from God.

Lets talk customer service.

So I have a secret, ok its not really a secret, but I love gadgets, and deep inside I am a great big computer geek. For many years I have wanted to upgrade my computer, and finally a few months ago I did. I ordered what I thought would be a great little laptop computer from dell. I was so excited for my new toy I order all the best components, and even forked over the extra fifty bucks to get my sweet new computer in spring green. I waited a few weeks and then it came, my wonderful new machine. Ahh it was so beautiful, and fast, and had all of the bells and whistles. Oh I loved it. I used it everyday, I didn't even mind that I had to spend another pile of money to upgrade my other programs so that they would be compatible with Vista.

Yes, my new computer was perfect...for about three weeks. And then one day as I waited for my brand new computer to boot up I did not see my lovely welcome screen, I saw a black error screen. I re-started my computer, and the error screen did not appear again. I wrote it off as a software glitch, no big deal. Then it happened a few days later, and this time re-starting didn't work right away. Soon the black error screen was appearing more and more often, and eventually starting my computer, was next to impossible. I called customer service, waited on hold, spoke to a tech did everything that he told me to do even though I knew it would not help, and then after an hour he told me that I would need to back up my files and then reformat the hard drive. So I did and all was working well for a few weeks, until that same error screen surfaced again. I reformatted again. And then a week later found myself fighting a losing battle against the black error screen to start my computer. After two hours of trying to get it working I called customer service, the tech started the same process I had already been through to fix the problem I politely told the tech that I could not do any of the things that he wanted me to do because well my computer wouldn't turn on, and even if it would I was not doing it because, I'd already spent an hour on the phone with a tech and it did not help. My case was "escalated." 48 hours later Ronnie called me to help me fix the problem, I carefully explained the problems, I told him about how my aspiration to have the coolest gadget was slowly dying a painful death. I told him how taken advantage of I felt. I told him that I had spent what felt like a very large amount of money to buy this computer, that I now hate, because it frustrates me daily. I told him that Dell had stolen from me when they took my money and gave me a defective computer in return. I asked him if consumers should just accept that when buying from Dell getting a shoddy product was simply a risk they should accept. I went on and on and when I was done he told me he would send me a new hard drive.

So today the hard drive arrived I opened it up and looked at the seal on the static bag, there in great big letters was the word REFURBISHED. Now I don't want to sound like a diva, but I paid for a brand new "functioning" computer, not a broken one, and not a refurbished model. I called Ronnie right away and left him a message telling him so.

So here I am waiting to hear back from my customer service rep and wondering how much poor quality is acceptable. I don't remember in the product description reading "lots of RAM, big hard drive, oh yeah and may or may not work. Also in addition to the exorbitant amount of money you must plunk over for this computer you will also be required to spend large amounts of time on the phone, fixing the problems that you didn't know you ordered." I feel like I am being held hostage by Dell, while they slowly suck the life out of me. Yes they are working with me, and they are trying (although not succeeding) to fix the problem, but why is it acceptable that there is a problem to begin with. Why can't they just say, "we're sorry we sold you a lemon, here's your money back, we won't waste your time anymore." Why do I have to pay for their mistake, or I guess it was my mistake when I bought from them in the first place. Either way me and the other consumers who are in the same boat lose, and our only consolation is being able to whine about on our blogs. *Kicking and pounding fists* Its just not fair!

Self expresion through licensing

So the other day I'm waiting at a red light and I see this shiny new Saab in front of me. I'm thinking to myself what a pretty car it is, and feeling a little jealous from the driver's seat of my oh so average mommy car, when I read the border around the license plate it says...
"Edward Cullen's got nothing on me"
For a brief irrational moment I wanted to jump out of my mommy car and slide into the plush passenger seat of the that Saab and let it drive me away. Then the light turned green and we all returned to our regularly scheduled lives.