So today I am getting ready to teach my class and I look in the mirror to make sure I look professional and grown up, so that people will take me seriously as I'm doling out parenting advice, and I saw it. There it was hanging out right out at the top my head like it had a right to be there or something. It was just looking at me, taunting me, waving lazily at my youth as it slid one more inch away down the slippery slope of life. And what you ask did I do about this intruder in my hair. This one single, wiry GRAY hair, I reached up and forcefully yanked it out. I will not be beaten that easily.
So I just found out that it is time for my TEN year high school reunion, huh!?! When did that happen? I mean how can that be I'm only 22 right?...oh wait, and its not like I have a bunch of kids and live in the suburbs...oh wait.
O.K. fine I'm not as young as I used to be, at least I am proud of all I've accomplished in the last ten years, and I don't have to feel the pressures of all the high school social games anymore. Now, could somebody come over and watch my kid for the next few weeks, I have to write, and publish a best selling novel, or cure cancer before June 9th.
So I know that I haven't been a good blogger for quite some time now. I have know one to blame, but myself, but well I just haven't felt quite up to it.
Fist there was this:
And that then there was two months of puking and feeling like a zombie, where I just didn't feel like doing anything.
And then The puking went away, but I still didn't feel like doing anything. And I mean NOTHING. The laundry was piling up, and I didn't care, I was even too apathetic to argue with SHane about what we should name the new bundle of joy. As far as I was concerned it didn't even feel like a bundle of joy. It was a strange feeling, and after a few weeks I started to worry that there was something wrong. I talked to my doctor, she thought the hormones were making me a little depressed, she prescribed drugs. I was scared of the drugs, not for me, but for the baby, what if they weren't good for this little one growing inside of me. I fretted about it all day. Then I prayed about it. That morning I woke up at four a.m. I couldn't sleep so I set up on the couch and flipped on the T.V. The discovery channel had some show about adoption on, this poor family had to wait four months to get there adopted baby from India. It was touching. Then I watched two episodes of A Baby Story. I felt happy for the happy families that were having babies, but I thought to myself 'they don't know what I know about childbirth. THey don't know that something can go wrong.' If you want the back story go here. That's when it hit me. That's why I was apathetic, that's why I didn't want to get to excited, this pregnancy was scaring me to death, and I didn't even know it. Deep down in the recesses of my brain, I was protecting myself by not getting to attached to this pregnancy. And then a new softly spoken little thought entered my head it said 'Nicole, what went so wrong?' And I thought of my little two year old bugaboo up in his little bed, sleeping. Yes he came two months early, and yes it was scary, but we did it, he's ok, he's a miracle.
It was like a magic pill...way better than the stuff my doctor prescribed. Realizing I had some major trauma and fear lingering in my past, helped me to face it, and when I faced it I saw that it really wasn't so scary. I can handle this, and I am so excited for this baby now.
I have felt tons better this last week or so, and I even have the laundry almost caught up. I can't promise I'll be a better blogger, I'm doing it on my own schedule, but I hope I'll be able to write more often...ok I'll at least post when the baby gets here.
And just for fun here is Bugaboo sleeping, isn't that the sweetest thing you've eva seen?
I always wanted to be a writer, don't laugh its true, but being mommy seems to have given me a permanent case of writer's block. So welcome to the happy little place where the dream and reality coexist. Join me for writings on the kids (Mason 7.5 yrs and Max 4 yrs) and the Hubby (Shane) and my own musings on life in general.